I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the state medical examiner. They've granted my request for a presumed death certificate. I opened it and felt dead myself. How can I have asked for a death certificate for my sweet man? It's like I asked for this. I'm so heartsick. ----- I wake. I talk. I go to work. I eat and sleep. I move through the world and yet I don't feel like I'm a part of the world anymore. I hate to answer the question that everyone asks me - "How are you doing?", because the truth is, I'm not doing well and really, people don't want to hear that. It scares people that life is so random and yes, this can happen to you too, and you won't be ok. I will never be ok again. I know I'll survive, but thats as much as I can expect.

DH's 93 year old Dad was hospitalized last week. He had a bleed between his esphogus and stomach and they think it's cancer. So now he's in a rehab facility until he's strong enough to go home. I stop in every day and every day he tells me how miserable he is, but there's nothing I can do about it. He hasn't been told that it may be cancer, and I don't really see the need to. Sometimes ignorance is preferable.

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how long it's been since I've seen my Granddaughter. I've seen her 1 hour since February 4th when my daughter in law moved out. Another loss. Another thing to feel distraught over. I really hate it now when people tell me things happen for a reason. I can't see the reason for all this. I seriously don't think I ever will.