I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the state medical examiner. They've granted my request for a presumed death certificate. I opened it and felt dead myself. How can I have asked for a death certificate for my sweet man? It's like I asked for this. I'm so heartsick. ----- I wake. I talk. I go to work. I eat and sleep. I move through the world and yet I don't feel like I'm a part of the world anymore. I hate to answer the question that everyone asks me - "How are you doing?", because the truth is, I'm not doing well and really, people don't want to hear that. It scares people that life is so random and yes, this can happen to you too, and you won't be ok. I will never be ok again. I know I'll survive, but thats as much as I can expect.
DH's 93 year old Dad was hospitalized last week. He had a bleed between his esphogus and stomach and they think it's cancer. So now he's in a rehab facility until he's strong enough to go home. I stop in every day and every day he tells me how miserable he is, but there's nothing I can do about it. He hasn't been told that it may be cancer, and I don't really see the need to. Sometimes ignorance is preferable.
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how long it's been since I've seen my Granddaughter. I've seen her 1 hour since February 4th when my daughter in law moved out. Another loss. Another thing to feel distraught over. I really hate it now when people tell me things happen for a reason. I can't see the reason for all this. I seriously don't think I ever will.
DH's 93 year old Dad was hospitalized last week. He had a bleed between his esphogus and stomach and they think it's cancer. So now he's in a rehab facility until he's strong enough to go home. I stop in every day and every day he tells me how miserable he is, but there's nothing I can do about it. He hasn't been told that it may be cancer, and I don't really see the need to. Sometimes ignorance is preferable.
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how long it's been since I've seen my Granddaughter. I've seen her 1 hour since February 4th when my daughter in law moved out. Another loss. Another thing to feel distraught over. I really hate it now when people tell me things happen for a reason. I can't see the reason for all this. I seriously don't think I ever will.
posted by Joy at 8:43 AM
8 Comments:
THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON???!!!! well,it must be some crappy reason---give me a break!!!! joy!!! please do not hestitate to pour out your feelings to any of us back at the chicks site!!! really,if you want to ,we are there for you---esp if you don't feel like it with your three d friends----i cannot believe your daughter in law-----that poor girl has no idea what sorrow she is causing-it's hard to believe she could do this to you---she must really be in a world of her own not to remedy this situation---at least i can pray or whatever ===beseech the heavens i guess---for her to have a change of heart-----as far as things happening for a reason----pure nonsense.there is no reason in the world for you to be in such pain-none.xoxoxoxoxo
Boy can I relate to how you feel about people telling you things happen for a reason. It makes me want to scream.
Living is hard work. Living while one is profoundly mourning seems lime impossibly hard work. Be gentle with yourself, dear one. I am only just learning that being hard on myself, beating myself up, etc. etc. does NOT, in fact, encouragement at all. It just makes me feel bruised and battered. I don't think things happen for some "cosmic" reason, either.
I find myself more and more aligned with the thoughts and writings of Sam Harris. And when I tell people that, they stop pushing their soppy religious bromides at me. ((hug))
Just checking in to see how you're doing, and to let you know that I'm thinking of you.
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JOY !! I haven't looked at your blog in a while. People can be so trite. They don't have a clue what's going on so they say something they heard on a soap opera that was received well there. Don't you just want to reply, "that's a stupid thing to say!!" But you won't say that because you're an amazing wonderful woman. Please rant to us. It helps, I think, to know someone is listening.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Still thinking of you.
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