I finally got a response from the commercial dive company. One day in that location at that depth would be $10,000.00, and it could turn out to be nothing. The diver told me that he might be able to use an rov (an underwater robot camera) to check it out first. He sounded like he was considering doing that out on his own time. He told me to email him the coordinates and he would think about it.
I started going to a therapist again, because I'm feeling like I'm at my limits of coping. She asked me why it was so important that I recover Rick. It seriously made me think about finding another therapist, if she can't understand that. I told her I felt like if I gave up finding him, that I was abandoning him, that I needed a place to go, that I hate that damn river and I want him out of it. I know that it won't change what happened, but it will give me a somewhere to start from, and until I find him I'm in limbo.
I also spend a lot of time thinking about that morning. His moustache brushing my lips when he kissed me good bye. Seeing him standing by the back door, looking handsome even in his fishing gear. Just wishing for one more moment to hold his hand one more time.
I started going to a therapist again, because I'm feeling like I'm at my limits of coping. She asked me why it was so important that I recover Rick. It seriously made me think about finding another therapist, if she can't understand that. I told her I felt like if I gave up finding him, that I was abandoning him, that I needed a place to go, that I hate that damn river and I want him out of it. I know that it won't change what happened, but it will give me a somewhere to start from, and until I find him I'm in limbo.
I also spend a lot of time thinking about that morning. His moustache brushing my lips when he kissed me good bye. Seeing him standing by the back door, looking handsome even in his fishing gear. Just wishing for one more moment to hold his hand one more time.
posted by Joy at 12:24 PM
3 Comments:
It seems so wrong that you should have to pay so much money for a commercial diver. The sheriff's department should be handling that. I'm so sorry they're not doing enough to help you get your husband's body out of that damn river. (I understand you hating that river. I hate the one that took my brother's life, too.) I am astonished that your therapist would ask why you need to have the body recovered. Does she know nothing about "ambiguous grief?" Here's some stuff I gathered from the Internet while we were waiting for my brother's body to be recovered. Maybe you should show it to your therapist.
"When someone is missing there is no proof of death, no funeral, minimal public grieving, and no closure. The unknown is the ambiguity, and the result is high stress. Ambiguous loss is the most stressful loss people can face."
“This is a grieving process that’s different than anything I’ve ever seen before. There’s an actual term for it: ambiguous grief. It is when there is no body present. When there are no visible remains… to focus the family’s grief…”
“Getting closure [without a body] is extraordinarily difficult. Any pastor will tell you that coming to grips with reality after a death often happens at the graveside.”
“Normally, when one thinks of grief it is in the context of the loss of a loved one through a ‘known’ death. A known death is when a person dies and there is a body that gives physical testimony to that individual's death. For the bereaved, the grieving cycle can begin as the body confirms, against deepest wishes, that the deceased no longer lives in the physical world. Therefore, when one thinks of a loss it is usually equated with a documented death and a physical body to mourn over. The ‘missing’ status is unique in that the loss is not final. There is no certainty of death, no ‘physical body’ to identify or mourn over, and no official documentation of the person's death.”
“The living are left in limbo. Sufferers often describe feeling that they are without the "whole story," and missing a vital component. Not only are they missing their loved one, they're missing the story that explains why their loved one is gone.”
“A recovered body lets us know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the loss has actually occurred. It’s the irreversibility factor. Otherwise, the human tendency is to let some part of our brain deny that it really happened. And when that happens, the person left behind can't really get on with his life.”
“Not having a body to bury, or to say good-bye to, constitutes a loss beyond human comprehension.”
“People who experience loss need time and our patience. And clearly, those with an ambiguous loss such as no body or verification of death need even more time and patience. The least we can do is give them our attention and listen to them, for in the telling and retelling of the story of their incomprehensible loss, healing will begin.”
“There can be no such thing as closure or even resolution when a body remains missing. Rather, we must aim for learning to live with two opposing ideas in our minds at the same time: The person is dead; the person might not be dead. Giving this confusing situation a name — ambiguous loss — appears to quiet some of the turmoil of the bereaved. Naming the ambiguity as the culprit diminishes their tendency to blame themselves for feeling so confused and helpless.”
“People become frozen and their lives grind to a near halt because they cannot properly mourn."
I hope this helps. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
What courage you have. To grieve. To write. To hope. And wisdom -- to know that there are somethings one can postpone, but cannot escape.
"Why" questions are so problematic. I'm sorry your therapist worded his/her question that way. Most people feel judged and/or criticized when asked why. If he/she is worth the trouble, otherwise, I'd sure be telling him how much that hurt. Exploring the meaning of the search has value. Being criticized and hurting more does not.
It made me weep to read it, but I'm glad you do remember the touch of your husband's moustache. And I hope that your still have some of his clothing that smells like him. Comfort can come from strange places... but it's still comfort.
xxoo
You want to recover Rick because Rick is the most important thing in the world to you. How difficult is that? If I could share one thought with your dil it would be that my inlaws always believed I would be keeping ds from them after his dad and I split. But I never never never did and now that he's grown, I have a clear conscience that I always acted in his best interest. Not that it helps you for me to say that. Everyone be kind to one another.
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