I'm just having a terrible morning and I can't even say why. Some days are just that way. It takes an incredible amount of energy to keep my composure at work. Weekends are pretty much my time to cry, but it seems to be spilling over into monday morning.

The local sheriff's department, although totally underwhelming in their recovery efforts, are very efficient in using the information and photos of the accident to make a powerpoint presentation for the local high schools about boater safety. They will be presenting it for the first time on friday and I intend to be there to make sure their information is accurate. I've found that they want to change facts to fit their own agenda, and they need to know that this is not ok, and incredibly hurtful to the family of the drowning victim. Even though the police reports reflects the fact that none of the 4 men involved in the accident were wearing life vests, the sheriff's department news release stated that "3 men wore life vests, while the 4th man, while wearing no flotation device, elected to swim to shore" As if to say 'he was foolish, and this is what happened.' Not, thank God we didn't lose all 4 men. Not, he was brave and the boat was going down again and wouldn't support all of them and he thought his only option was to swim.

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to pound the walls. I want my heart to quit aching. Just for a minute, then I could go on for a little longer.

I finally got a response from the commercial dive company. One day in that location at that depth would be $10,000.00, and it could turn out to be nothing. The diver told me that he might be able to use an rov (an underwater robot camera) to check it out first. He sounded like he was considering doing that out on his own time. He told me to email him the coordinates and he would think about it.

I started going to a therapist again, because I'm feeling like I'm at my limits of coping. She asked me why it was so important that I recover Rick. It seriously made me think about finding another therapist, if she can't understand that. I told her I felt like if I gave up finding him, that I was abandoning him, that I needed a place to go, that I hate that damn river and I want him out of it. I know that it won't change what happened, but it will give me a somewhere to start from, and until I find him I'm in limbo.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about that morning. His moustache brushing my lips when he kissed me good bye. Seeing him standing by the back door, looking handsome even in his fishing gear. Just wishing for one more moment to hold his hand one more time.

I've had no replies from the commercial dive companies. At this point, it's just a waiting game. I'm feeling totally exhausted emotionally and physically and I'm not sure what else I can do. The county search and rescue has told me that eventually he will be found, it's just a matter of time. I'm constantly haunted by the thoughts of Rick being left in that river, with thoughts of whether or not he felt alone and scared when he drowned.

Now another unbearable loss to our family - my son's wife has left him. She can't give him a reason other than that she just no longer loves him. I think she just can't bear all the emotional torture we're going through and she just wants to run away. She says she doesn't want anything from him, just to be left alone. She's moved in with her brother & his wife, and is going to share custody of the baby with my son. I'm praying that they manage to get through this, and are able to work it out. I'm in shock because they've always seemed so right for each other and so in love. They had everything that you'd think would make them happy. Beautiful child, nice little house, good health, and yet apparently overwhelming grief is too much for my daughter in law to withstand. I can't blame her too much, because sometimes I would like to run away too. The problem is that there is no where that I can run to that would relieve me of this pain.

In April of last year, our dear friend Wayne was killed in a freak tree cutting accident. He was my husband's best friend. I imagined that I understood his wife's grief. I didn't have a clue. There is no way, unless you've experienced it first hand, that anyone can imagine what it's like to have the love of your life ripped away from you so suddenly. I feel that when Rick lost his life, he took mine along with him. Now I have years stretching ahead of me, with no focus to them. Yes, I have children, and yes, I have a beautiful Granddaughter, but their lives are their own, as they should be. My daughter has moved back home with me, but I know it's a temporary arrangement. She will hopefully go on to her own life, her own marriage and children, her own career. I wouldn't want it any other way for her. I know that eventually I'll find my place in the world, but it will be a pale version of my life with Rick.